I wish I could punch you in the face.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
