i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
