i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
