Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
