Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
