was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
