when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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