DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
