I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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