I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize