I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
