I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
