My room smells like vodka and shame
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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