That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
