Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
