My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the night ended with taco bell and tears
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
