You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
