Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
