I am spending my child support on dildos
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
