Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
love makes seman taste better
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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