I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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