I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
