Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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