My cat gives me a boner
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
