Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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