I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
