I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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