I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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