obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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