I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
