I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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