I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
