I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
