oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I've blown a few things in my day
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
