in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
