the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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