did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
ttyl tear gas
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
