I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
