On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
