No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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