i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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