An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
