I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
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He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
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I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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