im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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