He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
