you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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