Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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