I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
