Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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