Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
