you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
