My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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