I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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