There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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