Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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