There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
