sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
