We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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