I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
