Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
