11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
