Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
