He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
